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February 01 Giving out advice while sinking myselfI've been gone awhile - about 4 months - during which time I felt myself falling into a depression, but I guess it hasn't gotten so bad as to bring on the constant napping and the inability to get out of bed - so I am considering it still "dealable". If I don't shake it by April, I'll have to consider the possibility that the current anti-depressant I am on - which has worked so well for a couple of years now - may not be doing it anymore......and that would suck..............on so many levels. It's hard to wean off of ....... finding a new one that works can be hit and miss....... new ones are always more expensive AND it's just one more flippin' thing to deal with. I can be thankful for the constant barage of problems which have kept me busy which sounds ridicuous.....but I think it has kept my mind off all the things that are piling up in my "depression hold". Perhaps by the time the hold bursts....I'll be in a better state of mind to deal with it. The funny thing is.....I've been giving out advice on depression while fighting it off myself - and on some levels it makes sense....I've been there so long I have the experience....but on other levels.....it IS a mental health condition - perhaps I should leave the disease to the professionals. The mind is a complicated place.
In the past week I've had 2 different "end of the world" type nightmares and I guess on top of everything else it's weirded me out. My step-mom was recently hospitalized for being severely depressed and suicidal and one of her concerns was the end of the world and I guess with it having been something I had thought about prior......HER worrying about something that she has always expressed a longing for (she's a Jehovah's Witness)....it got me thinking......apparently too much. We are undoubtedly in very difficult times right now and being that it's been a pretty tough winter, I guess like Dr. Phil says, I shouldn't ask why I'm depressed.....I should ask why not? I do know this.....I miss my best friend Jenni. I knew her moving away was going to be hard for me, but I honestly thought I'd get through it as I had when others had drifted out of my life, but that's the difference I guess. She didn't drift. She left....(I know she had to)....and it's so far away - but most of all......I never had a friend like her before. Even now I can't think about her without tears coming.....it has prevented me from talking about her to anyone. I have only been able to call her and talk to her once and when she had to go suddenly I was so surprisingly hurt it shocked me. That was the end of July I believe. I called her to check in on her after the wildfires got close but she didn't call me back and I have not yet been able to bring myself to call her back again. I need to call her and we need to have a good long talk and I need to have a good long cry. I know she is going through a very difficult time herself and I think we are both avoiding the breakdown. We agreed we wouldn't do it before she left because of how far she had to drive cross-country with her family while they were going through a seperation - she told me she had to wait to have her breakdown until she was back in California with her family. Thing is.....I think I was waiting to have mine WITH her on the phone and haven't been able to do that yet......and I am just avoiding it. Therapy.....blogging.....it's why I do it. Been so busy and blue I haven't used it lately.....need to get back. I have missed seeing my blogging community and friends.....I appreciate the visits and the messages. Sorry about the hiatus.....and that the last post I left was political in nature....UGH!
 yay Steelers!
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