Heidi 的个人资料Heidi's Touch Stone照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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7月20日 I have Michael Jackson's disease.....VitiligoIt seems to run in famalies and I noticed it on my father, just a few years ago. His hands and forearms appeared to have been severely burnt or something - that's what my first thought was when I saw it. He explained to me that it was the same thing Michael Jackson had....and was why he was so "white". It was a little disturbing, but he said it didn't hurt and he just had to be very careful whenever he was going to be out in the sun because virtually ALL of his pigment and therefore natural protection had been destroyed by his own body....it's an auto-immune disease. I discovered my first 2 white "patches" last night and freaked out a little bit. After doing a little more research tonight....I'm even more freaked out. If it stays on my hands and arms - like it has on my father - I can deal with it....but if it does what it does frequently.....spreads to the face.....that may be a tad harder to deal with. I'm not a vain person......but my FACE?  7月17日 Can't believe I've been gone 5 months.....Well, not gone.....just not "touching my stone" so-to-speak. Part of it was the depression and part was the chaos that is always entangled in my life. Anyhow - I'm here now to update a bit. It's still lingering....the depression and the chaos....but I needed the therapy. I think EVERYBODY is in need of some right now....some just more than others. The economy SUCKS dirt. My husband took an involuntary paycut in January and yet another one - double the one in January - as of June. It has caused just a little bit of stress.
 I am not entirely sure how we are going to make it. With the kids home on summer break - I'm looking at having to take on a night shift type job....and I'm not thinking that's a good idea right now. Tyler has been back in his rut and Tom with the stress and his temper....it scares me to be honest. He thought about looking into a 2nd job....but again....there's his stress already....and I really need the relief he gives when he gets home. It's a tight rope we walk. I know everyone walks it - I just don't know how everyone makes it. I know quite a few people on the very edge of a financial crisis - living day to day - just hoping things are going to "turn around".....and I just don't see it happening any time soon. It's becoming very scary out there. I was raised detesting the doomsday attitude of my family....and that's exactly what I am reflecting....and I hate it. I hate that they might have been right and I hate that I've taken on the attitude that it may just be better not to exist at all than to live in a world that's so f'd up. Violence is going to be on the increase and it's already bad. Living in our little cocoons is becoming more and more preferrable and for the depressed....it's comforting. Stay home? Sure! Love to!  That's just assuming we always have a "home" to stay in. Been down this road before.....I would fight tooth and nail to make sure of that. BTW...if you're a new-comer to the Touch Stone....you'll find it's not exactly a "bubbly" place......sorry.....it's therapy...not a place you come to raise your spirits. I only keep it public to perhaps help someone else out there know they're not alone....including myself.....I love your comments.
Tyler finished the school year without too much trouble. It wasn't as bad as 6th had been but it wasn't great. During the year he got a girlfriend....ugh.....and we let it get out of hand even though we thought we were being strict and cautious. You know....the phone calls got to be too frequent....and then too long and then the visiting between the houses became regular instead of occasional and then she became a little too comfortable with us and us with her and before you knew it - she was being as rude and disrespectful to us as Tyler was. A little too late into the game we found out other little bits and pieces like she was a year and a half older than him....(huge since girls mature faster than boys and he's incredibly immature as it is), then she's living with her Uncle and Aunt because she was removed from her Mother's home for reasons she wouldn't divulge,
 then we find out she's AD/HD, depressed and oh yeah, attempted suicide a couple times. Sound familiar? She was like the female version of Tyler. With the advice and backing of his psychiatrist, we started to put a hault to the relationship which you can imagine didn't go over well. It all came to a head a few weeks ago and it ended with me calling the police on my own son and filing unruly charges this week. I know it sounds extreme to many - but in the end - we hope it will get him additional help that we just can't give him anymore. We just don't know what to do anymore. We have lost control and that is a very scary thing when you are a parent....especially a mother. I don't want to see him get hurt or hurt someone else. I want him to be who I know he is capable of being. I want my son back.....I know he is in there....I see glimpses every now and again. We will be taking him out of the public school system for Jr. High this year....him and his brother....and enrolling them in a community school. They will have to wear uniforms and neither one of them cares one bit and are looking forward to the new school. I think it speaks volumes about the school system we are in right now.....very sad. I wish I had known about this option sooner....perhaps some of the damage could have been avoided. Live and learn I guess - and forgive yourself for your short-comings....or they do nothing but haunt you. 2月20日 The gloom of winter.....and I'm out at sea*sighs*...................it's a shroud sp.? of bleakness I'm enveloped in but I still have a weird energy in me to continue on......perhaps it's the calling of Spring that's keeping me going at this point......I'm not sure. Things went south big time in December right before Christmas. My husband's Uncle and name-sake passed away from a rare disease. He was a priest in the Navy and giving all that he had for his country and God, he died from a cruel disease and was buried on one damn cold and rainy day - it just didn't seem right. Then my husbands boss informed us our income would be cut by $400/mo. BUT hey - he'd still have a job....so Christmas was probably more like it should be this year - a LOT less for the boys....and the budget is incredibly tight now. In January my Uncle died from yet another rare cruel disease - PICKS - it's similar to Alzheimers but worse. Shortly after that, my step-mother was put into a psychiatric facility for severe depression and being suicidal. I can relate so much with her and my dad was so upset that I dropped everything and went up there to stay with him - it's about 3and half hours away. I can't say why, but one night was all I could handle. Around the beginning of February, both of my sons behavioral issues had became an issue once again. With the older one it began as soon as wrestling ended. ALL of his attention went back to the girlfriend and with an obsessive quality he's known for. With the younger one it's more probably a med issue, but the older one is definately going downhill quickly. 2 in-school suspensions this week for being disrespectful to a teacher on 2 seperate occasions. He had just been released from therapy and now it's back to the drawing board. Last week my great Aunt Evelyn died and my mom and I went to her funeral yesterday - it was more emotional for me than I had expected. She was 93 and had lived a very full life - but I guess seeing the photo presentation of her family which included her brother - my grandpa was what got me - that and of course all the memories that brought up of all the times my grandpa would take me over to visit with her when I lived with my grandparents. I was his side-kick and he was always running around visiting his family - not long visits - but very memorable for me. After the funeral my mom and I went to visit with my Great Aunt Evelyn's sister - Florence. My Great Aunt Florence has been in a nursing home for the past couple months and did not look well at all. She was in her mind - not bad for 95 but she was having a very hard time breathing and said she was uncomfortable but didn't want us to do anything for her - I so just wanted to adjust her neck pillow. She did allow me to give her a drink of water which she said tasted really good - but she didn't want anything to eat and I guess hadn't eaten much for the past month. Talking seemed to be progressively difficult for her and as the weather was getting worse after about a half hour visit - we left - we still wanted to go visit my Great Aunt Freida - my Grandma's sister before we left to head back to Columbus. By the time we were headed for home the roads were really bad and my mom's car is horrible in the snow - rear-wheel drive. After we crossed the snow belt we both had a sigh of relief and my mom asked me if I got the feeling my Aunt Florence had just wanted us to stay while she rested. I told her she seemed disappointed but I think she understood that the weather was getting worse. She said that she didn't think that she was going to make it much longer. My mother obviously sensed something I did not. She called early this morning and told me that Florence had died last night. I was shocked. My mother was very upset. I tried to console her with the fact that at least we had gotten to spend some time with her before she passed, but she feels guilty that she didn't stay longer. Florence was the last of her Father's family - they have all passed now and she is mourning that as well. Her phone call brought on tears that seemed to come from many heartaches this morning - but it was one of those healthy cries. Her funeral will probably be early next week and after that....I hope not to have any for a long time.....but as I type that it's in the back of my mind that so many in my and Tom's family are getting up there in age and death is inevitable. God....give me strength.....I'm going to need it.....as if I ever haven't. 2月1日 Giving out advice while sinking myselfI've been gone awhile - about 4 months - during which time I felt myself falling into a depression, but I guess it hasn't gotten so bad as to bring on the constant napping and the inability to get out of bed - so I am considering it still "dealable". If I don't shake it by April, I'll have to consider the possibility that the current anti-depressant I am on - which has worked so well for a couple of years now - may not be doing it anymore......and that would suck..............on so many levels. It's hard to wean off of ....... finding a new one that works can be hit and miss....... new ones are always more expensive AND it's just one more flippin' thing to deal with. I can be thankful for the constant barage of problems which have kept me busy which sounds ridicuous.....but I think it has kept my mind off all the things that are piling up in my "depression hold". Perhaps by the time the hold bursts....I'll be in a better state of mind to deal with it. The funny thing is.....I've been giving out advice on depression while fighting it off myself - and on some levels it makes sense....I've been there so long I have the experience....but on other levels.....it IS a mental health condition - perhaps I should leave the disease to the professionals. The mind is a complicated place.
In the past week I've had 2 different "end of the world" type nightmares and I guess on top of everything else it's weirded me out. My step-mom was recently hospitalized for being severely depressed and suicidal and one of her concerns was the end of the world and I guess with it having been something I had thought about prior......HER worrying about something that she has always expressed a longing for (she's a Jehovah's Witness)....it got me thinking......apparently too much. We are undoubtedly in very difficult times right now and being that it's been a pretty tough winter, I guess like Dr. Phil says, I shouldn't ask why I'm depressed.....I should ask why not? I do know this.....I miss my best friend Jenni. I knew her moving away was going to be hard for me, but I honestly thought I'd get through it as I had when others had drifted out of my life, but that's the difference I guess. She didn't drift. She left....(I know she had to)....and it's so far away - but most of all......I never had a friend like her before. Even now I can't think about her without tears coming.....it has prevented me from talking about her to anyone. I have only been able to call her and talk to her once and when she had to go suddenly I was so surprisingly hurt it shocked me. That was the end of July I believe. I called her to check in on her after the wildfires got close but she didn't call me back and I have not yet been able to bring myself to call her back again. I need to call her and we need to have a good long talk and I need to have a good long cry. I know she is going through a very difficult time herself and I think we are both avoiding the breakdown. We agreed we wouldn't do it before she left because of how far she had to drive cross-country with her family while they were going through a seperation - she told me she had to wait to have her breakdown until she was back in California with her family. Thing is.....I think I was waiting to have mine WITH her on the phone and haven't been able to do that yet......and I am just avoiding it. Therapy.....blogging.....it's why I do it. Been so busy and blue I haven't used it lately.....need to get back. I have missed seeing my blogging community and friends.....I appreciate the visits and the messages. Sorry about the hiatus.....and that the last post I left was political in nature....UGH!
 yay Steelers!
10月28日 PLEASE VOTE McCain / PalinI definately have issues with both sides that I don't personally agree with.....
but for our country's sake -- we need McCain.
PLEASE VOTE
McCain / Palin
-been sick and life has been full of chaos lately - hope to be blogging again soon - I miss you all.
-Touching the Stone and hearing the deep blue calling - the lap of the waves on the shore.....
Heidi 9月4日 After the "intervention"There are certain things that come up in my life - that once scheduled in my date book - becomes a looming dark cloud. The closer the date gets....the darker the cloud gets and the more nervous I get. It's not until that date comes and goes that I feel I can fully relax again and get back to "normal". Today's "cloud" - was what my son's middle school calls, an "intervention". My husband did not like that term and as he put it....WE already did the intervening. He is right. The school did not do a whole lot last year to help the situation.....but I have to keep in mind that their job is to teach and that is getting considerably more difficult in school systems like ours. We live in a poor school district and with it comes the children of the poor. They live difficult lives and they take their frustrations out in what they consider a "safe" place - they feel empowered there I think. Last year was a vicious cycle of Tyler getting picked on, Tyler retaliating and getting caught doing it and getting suspended and getting pissed off about it - (a bad cocktail of his meds wasn't helping) and then Tyler being so sidetracked by all of this crap and anger, he could not and would not learn. A summer of hospitalization for med adjustments, intense therapy, tutoring and a new discipline plan at home has made a world of difference. Problem is....the damage was done last year. With a possible expulsion looming the final few days of school last year, this "intervention" was already set in motion for the next school year. It was what he got INSTEAD of expelled. Back in early June it felt heaven sent. However after meeting with the "intervention team" it was very clear to everyone.....well.....ALMOST everyone.....that Tyler had gotten himself together and the one major problem remaining was still the "bullying". His ONLY issue so far this year....and he has handled it fine so far....but you can only be pushed so far.....
This boy Chris was a problem for Tyler last year and was on his "team" in school meaning they shared 3 of the same teachers. Thank God that Tyler only has to deal with him on the bus this year and not in class. Tyler actually seems to enjoy school this year, is actually trying to maintain his good grades and the teachers tell us he is very respectful and very friendly with all of his classmates. All of these things were lacking last year. His only problem is on the bus. Tom's been to the school twice, called once and talked to the bus driver once - and still nothing. Today after spending much of the "intervention" touting Tyler's achievements.....not the usual intervention I'm assuming.....we directed the focus back where we thought it should go. ESPECIALLY after the not-so-bright guidance counselor suggested that we just drive Tyler back and forth to school so that he can avoid the situation. It took a couple minutes of agreeing that yes we could do that and that would indeed solve the problem.....for TYLER....but what about the other kids on the bus??? This Chris and his little gang of hoodlums do not just pick on him.....his rhyme on the bus - that he actually says in a sing-song voice Tyler tells us?....EENIE MEENIE MINIE MOE......WHO'S GONNA BE MY BUS HOE?....and he picks someone to pick on. Give me a break.....get this kid off the bus. AND the guidance counselor then tells us that Tyler's bus is one of the BETTER ones!!! UMMMM.....this is how children get back and forth to SCHOOL to LEARN!!! NOBODY should have to endure that!!! He flicks Tom and I the bird when we stand outside waiting for Tyler - to hear what is being yelled at him as he gets off the bus and walks up the drive.....we've heard him yell....."Look at the little white boy run", "BITCH", "F-bombs left and right", inappropriate comments to me - I don't go out anymore. It's just ridiculous. He throws things at kids - yesterday it was pop-tarts at a friend of Tyler's (he's a pretty big boy) and made embarrassing comments to him about his weight.....something about his "big ass". I guess David....Tyler's friend had enough - retaliated, got caught and got suspended. Chris the bully? He's still on the bus. No suspension. WTF?! When I'm done with this....it's a call to the transportation department. The school tells us that would be our next best step. I wanted SO bad to tell them what I thought THEIR next best step would be....but I am a parent and supposedly a lady.
 All I know is that if this doesn't work....Chris had better be getting an "intervention" or Tom and I may have to intervene .... and that just wouldn't turn out well.....for anybody.  Ah well, cloud has passed.....actually it's been a rather "cloudy" couple weeks.....but the horizon is pretty much so clear now so, I'm relaxing a little. The next date of semi-cloudiness isn't until October 1st I guess as of right now....the trip to the specialist about my liver. Oh yeah.....there is the 29th. of September....a date with yet unknown significance.....but according to my friend Sassy.....it's not good. Praying for that day to come and go without incident.....but with Sassene.....she's often right about such things.....
 Until then....I'm going to enjoy what normalcy there is in each day and try not to dwell on the future to much. I wish you all the same. 8月29日 Where I Stood by Missy Higgins
I don't know what I've done [ Where I Stood Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ] 8月21日 Kids are back in school....*doin' the happy dance*My life has been a whirlwind since we got back from vacation - which was pretty nice. We had great weather and it was very relaxing. Quinton was a bear but Tyler was pretty good, so we were able to deal with it. Anyhow, we got home on the 10th. and things started getting out of control on the 11th. Welcome home!
 We were gone for 10 days, so you can imagine the laundry and unpacking that was the immediate task at hand. The last thing I needed was to find 2 baby squirrels that had fallen out of their nest. They were pretty much listless, badly dehydrated and infested with fleas. Our neighbor was going to put them out of their misery when I decided to try and nurse them back to health. 2 days later with the help of Pedialyte, Esbilac (substitute milk formula) bottle feedings every 4 hours around the clock and a homemade incubator the baby gray squirrels were strong enough to be trying to get out of the cage. I took them up to the local Wildlife rescue facility and let them take over their rehabilitation. The boys enjoyed having them and of course wanted to keep them, but I assured them they wouldn't last long in a house with 6 dogs and 8 cats. When I got home from dropping them off, I was overcome with exhaustion and laid down and fell asleep....and slept for 2 days. Turns out I had come down with something.....had a fever of 101 degrees and was fairly useless for a few days. We're not sure, but we think it might have been from the 19 flea bites I got from the first baby squirrel I found. Until I got the incubator made I carried him around in my shirt so he'd be close to my body for warmth. The next day - all around my stomach and back I had the bites. I won't do this in the future.
After recuperating from the strange illness, I had major grocery shopping to do as I had still not done this since returning from vacation and there was NOTHING in the house to eat or drink. Tom had been feeding the boys take out during my down-time. Then my mom got really sick with these bouts of vertigo that she gets and so I stayed with her up at her house until my brother and step-dad got home after spending the whole day grooming her Shih-tzu and helping my little brother with his budget - (he is finally making plans to move out of my parents house
 ) That was Sunday. On Monday with the boys starting school on Wednesday I figured I had better go school supply shopping.... .....nothing like waiting until the very last moment. On Tuesday I planned to get their shoes and clothes. It was a bad day....a very bad day. It took almost an entire day to get them each 1 pair of shoes because Quinton chose this day of all days to lose his frikkin mind! He's in desperate need of a med adjustment.....appointment is next week.....(THANK GOD)! They each got a few clothes....not nearly what I wanted to get, but they had a new outfit each to wear the first day, and that was the important thing. I was up until midnight packing up all of their supplies into their backpacks and what-not and on Wednesday they both got off to school without a hitch and were both excited for their first day back....... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I sat down at my computer with my coffee - all relaxed ready to blog yesterday.....and looked around my house. It was a disaster. There was no way I could sit and blog and relax with the condition of my house. I got started straightening up when I got the phone call from Quinton's doctor that his prescription was ready to be picked up. I got ready and headed up to get it - when I got there....they were closed for the lunch hour.
 I did some misc. shopping until they opened and headed home. When I got home.....there was a message from Tyler's doctor.....his prescriptions were ready to be picked up from HIS doctor.....so off I went. I got home 20 minutes before Tyler.....they had a 45 minute early-dismissal on their first day....OF COURSE!  My evening? Going through backpacks and reading through all of their "first-day" papers, dropping off prescriptions, shopping to kill time while pharmacy fills prescriptions, picking up prescriptions and filling out all of those "first-day" forms.....and then I had insomnia last night and didn't fall asleep until sometime after 3:00AM. ........ and still ..... I'm doin' the happy dance. *smiles*I have several e-mails to answer.... a ton of e-mail to just delete! My junk folder isn't working too well for some reason.? All the laundry I've done still needs to be folded, there is still a tote of vacation items that needs to be put away
and there are a few ratty looking shih-tzus running around here.  I am still swamped, but I HAD to blog!! It's been forever since my last post....since my last therapy....and I needed it!! I'm not real relaxed right now....but I'm happy. There's been a lot going on with a lot of people in my life right now. Seems like everyone, save a very few are in some sort of crisis. I hope they all know that no matter how hectic my life....they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me - if at all possible. I have more to talk about....but this one's been long enough already and I have to go get ready. My mom may need me to take her to the Doctor today.....she is literally incapacitated by this vertigo thing and has been for about a week and a half now. Anybody ever have any experience with this??? It's bad.
Ok....Bye for now - Have a good one!
7月31日 I have a few requests upon my death....*wink*When I die, I have a few things in mind. I think I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered along the lakeshore up on Erie. I think I want a light-hearted memorial service held in a non-denominational location....not a funeral parlor preferably....maybe a yacht club hall....LOL. A natural sort of place. Anyhow....I don't want any longwinded ministers - maybe a few friends or relatives could pep up the crowd....lol. At the end and for the most part, I want music and pictures....lots and lots of pictures....shown on a wall in larger than life format in a darkened room. Photos of me and all of those that have come in and out of my life. With fur and without...LOL. And that's how I want to be remembered. In memory of all of those wonderful moments in my life, for every photo...imagine how many more there have been that weren't captured to be shared another day. I have been blessed and everyone should know on that day, that I died knowing just that.
Heidi
Yeah, I know ...... weird, morbid and several other adjectives come to mind. I heard the song on TV - "In the Arms of the Angels" by Sarah McLachlan .....she is now accompanying the Humane Society - her and her song ...... in a commercial. Anyhow, I've probably mentioned before that I've always wanted it played at my funeral...and today, just now, when I thought about my funeral....I REALLY thought about it! lol Had to get it off my chest I guess....
AND I have no time for this! Leaving tomorrow for 10 up at the lake. Things are going so-so....but MUCH better with Tyler.
Gotta run....take care....hugs to all!
Music to die for.....ewwww.....I know!!!! LOL
YouTube - arms of the angels by Sarah Mclachlan amv
This would be one of the songs I would want played....I have others....*smiles* Hey Sass....love ya!
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK There's always some reason to feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction or a beautiful release Memories seep from my veins Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the Angel far away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference, escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees In the arms of the Angel far away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here Crazy huh?
7月17日 An update....Sorry about all the music postings....I've been so busy and listening to music was just about the only therapy I was getting the past couple weeks or so. *smiles* At the last minute - right after Tyler came home after spending about a week with his Aunt - we decided to spend the long 4th of July weekend up at the lake and it was a very nice, relaxing trip. Tom's sister had instituted a "mark" system with Tyler and it works wonders. We have also started using it with Quinton who is adjusting to it slowly....lol. Right after returning from the Lake, Stephen's baby sister....(many of you know Stephen from his Painting Studio here on Spaces) arrived here in Columbus with her family to start house hunting.....they will be moving here as soon as their house sells in Wisconsin.. Carrie and I have a ridiculous amount of things in common and I am really looking forward to her getting settled in here. She has 3 boys and they are all adorable...especially the baby - 7months old - ...OMG....he is just as cute and perfect as they come! Her oldest is incredibly responsible and helpful and has already proven he'd be a great influence on Tyler....if he can tolerate him!
Her middle one is a spit-fire and will give Quinton a run for his money - they will probably get along better as he gets older. He's a few years younger than Quinton. Anyhow, they had a chance to interact a couple days and I am excited for everyone to get together once they are settled. Hurry up and sell that home Carrie!!! This weekend we're headed up to Tiffin - Tom's hometown - for a Kickball Party....lol. Tom's niece organized it all and it's between her mom's tanning salon and another family's flower shop/nursery. It should be a good time and I'm looking forward to it. The fear that Tyler will act up is no longer so overpowering and I have had him in enough situations to semi-trust him. Things are definitely getting better. There are still issues....but they feel more manageable. Tyler's Aunt has been taking him on Tuesday's for tutoring and then keeping him with her to help her around the house and just to do things with him one-on-one and just that one day a week gives me a little break that has made a huge difference too. She's going to Charleston next week, so next Tuesday....we're on our own . I think I'm going to see if my brother can take him and do something with him....even for just a couple hours. He really enjoys the time away himself. If not though, no big deal. Just wanted to let everyone know, that have left all of the encouraging comments ..... how things have been going. I have appreciated every word of advice and couldn't have made it through without you all! Thank-you. 7月11日 I wanna go home by Michael Buble....*sighs dreamily*
That Nanci is some lucky lady....... As if the eye-candy wasn't enough Sass.....here are the words.......LOL...... Another summer day
6月29日 Current favorite is a "cover" of "NO AIR" by Rissi Palmer
YouTube - Rissi Palmer "No Air" If I should die before I wake
"No Air" originally was done by American Idol's, Jordin Sparks not very long ago and it was good, but being such a contemporary country fan.....I really liked this version. 6月27日 One of my favorites.....Josh Turner - Another Try
Back Online....and just in time.So much to catch you up on. It's been stormy here....literally and figuratively. My computer router needed to be replaced btw....it more than likely had been damaged by lightening - we've had some really intense storms around here lately. The sign for anyone else having the problem was my connection coming and going about every minute or less. VERY annoying.
 Fortunately I wasn't the only one wanting the connection fixed ASAP....Tom has a PS3 and it has to be updated via the internet in order for him to play his games.....so.....HE was very instramental in getting us backonline as soon as we were. Since my last update about Tyler, a lot of drama has gone down. The night I went to say good-bye to my best friend who was moving to California.....I ended up staying longer than I had planned and Tom was upset with me.....and therefore I with him. If I had had the time, I would have posted a Bitch Board, but we discussed it later on, and I guess I sort of understand WHY he was upset....but it's flimsy.
When I arrived to say good-bye, some of the packing of the truck that had been completed the night before had been UNDONE and the progress I had thought would have been done throughout the day....wasn't. It was just a bigger job than they thought....and Russ....Jenni's husband....just wasn't doing his share of the work really. His office was packed up by Jenni and I and I can only imagine the exclamations as he's unpacking everything....LOL! I was as careful as I could be....but Jenni? She was a little pissed off. Anyhow....Tom had apparently been calling me on my cell phone and I had accidentally left it in my car and after he couldn't reach anyone on the house phone either....he got worried. When I finally discovered I didn't have my cell phone on me and went and got it I found all of his missed calls and called him back. He gave me much attitude even after I explained accidently leaving it in the car and basically knew if I didn't leave right then....I'd even more hell to pay. Jenni thought it was pretty ridiculous, as did I since it would probably be the last time to see her for who knows how long....since I really don't fly.I said a fairly quick good-bye as I promised myself I would - it was bad enough with tears....we didn't need sobbing and I drove away without looking back at my old friend or my old neighborhood. The days that followed were not good and even though I didn't dwell on Jenni being gone for real this time....I know it must have played it's part in how I dealt with things.
Saturday I slept alot and Tom and the boys spent most of the day together. Sunday there was yet another Family picnic for Tom's mom's birthday and I just really didn't have the energy to go....I just didn't want to deal with Tyler there, so Tom went by himself reluctantly. It was his first visit with his family since him and his Dad had their "religion" discussion....did I blog about that? Anyhow, it was uncomfortable for him, but it turned out ok. His father acted normally towards him. Monday was a very bad day. It started like many mornings do here....in utter chaos. Tyler had a 10AM doctor's appointment and from now on....NO MORE MORNING APPOINTMENTS. Trying to get the boys to cooperate before their meds kick in is virtually impossible. They are bouncing off the walls and constantly picking at each other. I think I am sliding into another depression so I am incredibly tired and admittedly short tempered - not to mention in excrutiating pain from a still undiagnosed stomach issue. It was a perfect storm for something to go wrong and it did. I called Tom and told him to come home....I couldn't take it anymore....I was leaving. By the time he got home 5 minutes later, I had half my bags packed. As he tried to figure out what had pushed me over the edge, I finished my packing and tried to explain it was nothing inpaticular....it was just the same old shit I live with everyday and I couldn't live with it ONE MORE MINUTE. During this time I had become slightly off-balance and at some point picked up a fan and threw it at Tyler. It thankfully missed him and unfortunately hit my Lab-Newf mix who looked at me in disbelief. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I told Tom that I had to leave before I hurt Tyler. I didn't think I was capable of the patience he required. Tom was trying to get me to settle down - to try and re-think my decision - to call someone, but all I could think about was getting far away from here. I finished putting my bags in the car and I picked up 2 of the dogs and put them into the car when my youngest's crying finally broke through the state I was in. I looked over at him and realized what I was doing. I came inside and sat down and agreed to wait until Tom's sister could get there. She arrived in 20 minutes and immediately began mediating. She has worked with childred for 30 years and took none of Tyler's attitude. She finished the schedule for him I had started but not finished and implemented the behavior chart and bonus point system we had created. She stayed for a little while and tutored him and when she left, I felt enough hope to stay. Tuesday I had a migraine and severe stomach issues and was in bed much of the day....the boys seemed to behave pretty well and I was impressed. Wednesday I could barely get out of bed and Tyler had 2 doctor's appointments. Therapist at 11:00AM and Pediatrician at 2:00PM I almost broke down into tears walking from the parking lot into the therapist's office building because I didn't think I was going to be able to make it I was so exhausted. Once in there the therapist noticed how bad I looked and suggested Tom come and pick us up, but I assured her I could make it home. Once home I had to sleep for the hour we had between appointments. Once at the pediatricians, I didn't have the energy to even discipline the boys when they acted up in the waiting room. When the Doctor asked if we were all living in the same household.....she was aware of Tyler's hospital stay as she was partly responsible for his admission......I responded, "Unfortunately". She had to tell the boys to settle down in the exam room and told me that I needed a break and visit to my Medical Doctor and Psychologist. She has reminded me that which so many have....if I'm not well....the family won't be able to get well. I know this is true and I know everyone means well. I just hate that pressure I guess. MY well-being is dependant on everybody else's well-being??? Does anybody know how sick I am?? This could take awhile! Migraines since I was 5, Depression for 12 years, probable endometriosis and something I have to see the gastroentronologist for. A cyst so large on my liver it's pushing up into my diaphragm. OH, and let's not forget the debilitating panic attacks!
Yeah, it's going to be awhile before me and thus this family is feeling better. *sighs*After we got home from the Pediatrician's office I laid down on the couch and was pretty sure I wasn't getting up again. Quinton called Tom and raised the red flag which brought him running home again and that's what got the much needed phone call made to his sister again. He asked her to come take Tyler for a week to let us have a break. She took him yesterday, and it was exactly what we all needed. I immediately got some of my energy back. Mind you, I'm not celebrating the absence of my son.....but it's a much needed break. I was finally able to get some bills paid....with the little money I have right now. I actually was able to go visit with the mother of one of Quinton's friends yesterday afternoon and let her know what's been going on....which helps. She has vowed to help however she can with Quinton which included keeping him all day yesterday, last night, all day today and possible tonight again even! She's wonderful. I am going to go out and mow my "field" for that is basically what you'd call it at this point and that is actually another form of therapy for me. I am doing better - so hopefully the family's well-being is on it's way. Monday I'm headed to the doctor. Thank-you for all of your well-wishes and checking in on all of us. It means the world to me. So many caring people out there....it proves that there's still humanity in this scary world we live in and it provides faith for me and so many others who so desperately need it.
Thank-you
(((HUGS))) A favorite of mine.....Whiskey Lullaby
6月21日 Sensing a change ahead....and a bumpy road
Since I can't get online right now.....but I am in serious need of something to get my mind off my troubles for awhile, and my blogging is great therapy for me - I decided to post some drafts I had written on Live Writer - but never posted. This one appears finished....so I'm not sure why I didn't post it....perhaps it was just a mood I was in. *rolling my eyes* lol. You have to agree with me that this feeling I had back then was right on. Things have definitely gone South....and at lightening speed. (Hey Sass....maybe I'm clairvoyant too! LOL) *********************************************************************************** Draft saved 11/12/07 I am starting to feel that things are about to head south here real soon. Tension is at a maximum and all around moods are pretty bad. This happened last year around this time too. Right before the holidays. I am not saying it's the cause, just pointing out what bad timing it is or that it's cyclical. Anyhow, things always seem to rebound, but I have this premonition that this time may be different. We're both so tired and fed up with living this way. I have contemplated making my blog private...thinking that I shouldn't let the whole world know about my problems, but I know others are out there in the same situation....and maybe I can help them....or get some information that is helpful. I get so tired of playing the "everything's peachy keen" game in the real world, and this is really the only place I can be "real". That's messed up. 6月20日 Tyler's home.....and the behavior continuesWe were told by Tyler's psychologist, that once upon a time, troubled kids were placed in the hospital for 6 weeks to clear out their systems and reconfigure their meds.....now it takes a couple days. I guess they must know what they're doing....but all I know is that in Tyler's case....I think he came out more troubled than when he went in. Besides chewing tobacco that he found in an air vent at the hospital that I caught him with - he has brought home some of the more disturbing characteristics of those with mental illness.....the making weird noises bit and the repeating everything I say thing. He brought the looney home from the bin.
Much more of that stuff and I'm gonna need one of those nifty white suits that help you to hold yourself together when you can't do it by yourself anymore.........
Yesterday afternoon - after I brought Tyler home from the hospital.....(checked in at 11:30 PM Monday night - checked out at 11:30 AM Thursday)..... his great attitude lasted all of about an hour. Since then, he's back to his bad decisions. I do think he's more aware that he has a serious mental problem....after being removed from the bad situations he got himself into since he's been home....he becomes sincerely reflective about what happened and his part in it. I am trying to remain calm, cool and collected. It does help. After he threatened to kill his brother again yesterday, he only remembered part of what he had said.....and that is indeed disturbing. I am even more aware of the danger now and I would have to say it really doesn't make me feel 100 percent safe. We are alarming his door and windows and I guess that will help somewhat at night. Him having 2 sessions of therapy a week in our home is also hopefully going to help......it better......I'm not too keen on the idea of a stranger being in our home so much, but it is necessary.
 And today when Tom comes home from work.....I'm off to say good-bye to my best friend. The moving truck is loaded and they are headed for California tonight. I know she needs to go.....but I don't want her to. I know there will never be a good time for her to go....but right now is so hard. She's been such a help with Tyler since she works with these sort of kids everyday during the school year and she's known him since he was 2 years old. Her leaving is not good for anyone in our family. Tom and the boys said their good-bye's last night which was hard......and tonight....I'll say mine. I will keep it short.....she knows already how I feel. It's been a long week.....and I'm ready for it to be over......
And DAMMIT....my computer is still not working right!!!! My Internet connection comes and goes about every 3 minutes and it's really ticking me off! Chatting is ridiculous. I'm going to have to get this fixed!!!!!
I'm outta here.
6月18日 The help he needs....that we ALL need.My 12 year old son is currently a patient at a Mental Health Facility. The road that has led us here has been a rough one to say the least. I am not going to be able to adequately describe the huge tangle of events that brought us to this point, but I can try to give a summary of it. I don't know if it's going to or not, but I write about this in hope that it can help some other family. I talk about this because I do not want my son's situation tobe misunderstood....I want to be able to help people understand mental illness. I do not want my son to be labeled crazy and I want him and other children and adults who are suffering with this problem to get the help they need. It's only crazy when you don't treat - that which can be. At this point in time, Tyler is having his medications adjusted under very close supervision and it's really the only safe way of doing so. He is not happy about it, but I think he understands why he is, where he is. So far, we know that part of Tyler's problems are indeed behavioral and that needs to be addressed, however, until we are dealing with a Tyler that is on the right medications, we can't. We have to be able to determine that which is behavioral and that which is something he can't help. Then we can treat that part of his problem with medications and THEN focus more on the behavioral aspects. This stay at the facility will get his meds corrected and sort out some things that have been driving me insane! I don't feel that I'm always dealing with the Tyler I used to know, and that has been a huge problem for me. My Tyler was not always this way and even though I may never know what caused these problem s- at least I will know who or what I AM dealing with now and hopefully find ways to help him which in turn will help everyone around him.
Until tomorrow.....
*Have to wrap things up for now....I am suffering from inadequate sleep and I must get some rest Please know even though I may not be able to get back with all of you who have left comments right now....I intend to and know that just your stop by has been greatly appreciated. It's one of the things that helps me get through that which I didn't think I could. .....so.....Thank-you.
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