A week ago yesterday I went to the ENT - and although the appointment was uncomfortable (anyone who has ever been through an examination of this sort knows what I'm talking about - they

"supposedly" numb your sinusis and then use a scope to look way up in your sinus cavaties which HURTS!) - I walked out of there fully confident that the doctor I was seeing was very competant and knowing soon this pain I was in would be over.  He sat down with Tom and I and showed us the CAT scan and we were amazed at the size of the tumor in my right frontal sinus.  Surprisingly, though, he did not think it was the main source of my discomfort.  He was pretty sure it was just from the severe infection in that sinus cavtiy.  He sent me home on a strong antibiotic and a steroidal nasal spray and wanted to see me back in a week.  In the mean time he was going to have his colleagues look at the scan with him and get their opinions on the osteoma and let me know what they thought when we came back.  Yesterday  was a week later and I was relieved to know that his colleagues agreed that this bony tumor in my head was probably not causing any of my problems and would probably not have to be messed with.  He said that was a very good thing because it would have been a very extensive procedure due to the size.  Tom, however is not convinced - and I guess I'm not either really to be honest and he knows the Doctor who runs the James Cancer hospital here in Columbus and he told him about it and he told Tom to get him my records and he'd definately take a look at it for us.  Anyhow, after the ENT took yet another look up into my sinusis with that god awful instrument and I told him I felt no better, he told me he was going to try one more line of treatment before resorting to surgery because I had two infected cavaties and one of them was a particularly  difficult one to reach and would possibly turn into more than just the normal procedure of going through the nose.  It could entail a cut along my nose and eyebrow.  I assured him that I'm not a vain person and was just anxious to have the pain gone, but he insisted we try this last line and told me he needed me to have one more detailed CAT scan in the meantime anyhow to map out the route of the procedure.   So, I'm back home on a series of Prednisone, more antibiotics, decongestants and nasal spray.  I'll be getting this special CAT scan Thursday and back to see him on Monday again.  If there is still no change, hopefully the surgery will be August 14 if I can get cleared by my regular physician in time, if not, they're also holding the date of the 21st. open.  Either way, there goes the summer. School starts the 29th. The boys are still holding out hope of a week up at the lake, but it just doesn't look like it's going to happen this year.   No thanks to Mom.  Pain and guilt - it does suck.

After my doctor's nurse had called me with my results of my CT scan and told me "everything" that was wrong with my sinusis and then asked me to come in to go over the scan with the doctor before going to the ENT - I had a funny feeling she wasn't telling me everything.  She wasn't.  On top of everything else going on, it appears I may have a tumor - surprise, surprise - exactly where this pain is above my right eye.  The good news - it is benign - all sinus Osteomas are.  The bad news - it will have to be removed.  She wouldn't give me any more information than that, even though I asked - she told me that was why she was sending me to the specialist.  She told me she was putting me on a stronger antibiotic to try and get the infection down before I got to the ENT on the 23rd. because they would need me to have additional tests and the less infection there was the better.  So, needless to say, I am a bit nervous, but know it could be worse.  I am indeed thankful they believe it to be benign.  First thing I did when I got home was surf the web and this was the first thing that I found http://www.ghorayeb.com/FrontalSinusOsteoma.html .  I'm assuming this is the worst case scenario and that mine is not that bad, that perhaps mine can be removed using that method where they go up through your nose with a scope/camera/laser or whatever.  My other hope is that they are wrong all together, but I don't think so.  I've said from the time the pain started that the pain was just different than I had experienced before.  Not a migraine, not a normal headache or sinus headache.  Just really localized and very tender in just the spot the scan indicates this Osteoma to be.  My mom reminds me that when I was about 5 my dad accidentally slammed my head in a car door and just in that spot a 2 inch bump raised off my head and fairly quickly went right back in and refused to take me to the ER.  (not a big believer in doctors - my family has issues)  My mom later took me to the doctor and he told her I probably had suffered a concussion but as long as the bump had not gone inward I probably would not suffer any long term affects.  She wonders if what they are seeing on the scan is not some sort of scar tissue from that or from a bad car accident I was in where I literally flew around the inside of the car as an infant.  *smile*  ANYTHING but a tumor!  lol  ANYTHING but to have a surgery!  lol  She hates doctors more than I do.  Despises medicine and especially surgery.  She has assured me that I will need at least 3 opinions before letting anyone cut me and I have agreed.   I will settle for 2 - I just want this pain gone ASAP! 

Yesterday morning was bad - really, really bad.  The stress I've been under came to a head and Tyler (my oldest) and I got into it.  This child just knows how to push my buttons.  I know that sounds like a lame excuse to someone who doesn't live in our house, but believe me, he knows.  I do not blame him.  I know what I've been going through - the depression, the family problems, the headaches I've been having - they play a huge role in his behavior.  All I'm saying is that this child is highly intuitive as to what upsets me and add that to his condition - doctors think it's a combination of OCD, ADHD and ODD and possibly depression himself - you have a little powerhouse that is difficult to deal with.  We had been arguing all morning while I was trying to get things packed for them to go with my Dad and it all came to a head and I lost it.  I had spanked him earlier for his mouthing off to me (something I rarely do btw) and this had, I acknowledge, fueled an already growing fire.  After several requests for him to bring me his MP3 player and him telling me no - I finally stormed into his room to take it from him.  He was in the motion of throwing it at me when I grabbed his arm - screaming like a mad-woman - again I realize I had reached my breaking point - and our ever-present Katie (our rottweiler) jumped in and defended Tyler with a growl bark and a gentle bite to my arm.  She must have sensed I was losing it.  It was a wake-up call and I am thankful to her for being there.  It was like a smack in the face.  I immediately stopped - walked out of the room and broke down.  I know I wouldn't have really hurt Tyler - but enough was enough.  I was in no state of mind to be dealing with him and acknowledging that is painful.  My Dad arrived about a half hour later to pick the boys up and I literally just embraced him like a drowning person would embrace a life ring thrown to them in rolling seas - sobbing and gasping for air.  Hind sight is 20/20 and I should have asked for help a little sooner - but that is hard for me to do.  Admittedly, without the urging of the therapist and Tom - I still may not have sought out help.  It is indeed a character flaw of mine.  I will help anyone anytime if possible....but myself it seems.  I have to work on this I know.  As the boys were leaving I apologized to Tyler for my behavior and told him how much I loved him and explained they weren't being "sent away" because they had done anything wrong - they were just going to visit their grandparents so I could rest and get myself better.  They took it in stride - anxious to visit their cousins and have a change of scenery.  I know they'll have a good time and watching them drive away - I felt a sense of relief knowing that they will be ok.  The relief was added to when my doctor called later in the afternoon with results from my cat scan.  The headaches have a source!  I've got lots of things going on in my sinus cavaties apparently that will need to be addressed, but at least I know what they are from!  To just know what is causing them is huge.  So many things were going through my mind as to what was causing them (too much surfing the web) - so many people had their thoughts as to what the source was, but now we know.  Sinusitis.  A deviated septum.  Thickening of the sinusis.  Cysts.  She also mentioned something going on with air pockets near both of my ears - which probably explains the dizzy spells.  I am going in at 1pm today to go over the scan with her and then it will be off to an ENT specialist to discuss how we go about getting it all taken care of - ASAP.  She said it's no wonder I've had headaches and chronic fatigue and it probably explains my blood counts being so off.  I'm sure I'll find out more at the appointment and for the first time ever....I'm looking forward to going to see the doctor.

As if the depression wasn't bad enough, I've had a headache almost non-stop for over a month now.  It's a different type of headache than I normally have - and it's not a migraine.  The pain is just above my right eye and that area is incredibly tender to touch - putting eye shadow on even hurts.  It starts after I get up in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on.  On a few occasions it has developed into a migraine, but generally the pain is not all that severe unless I am physically active - which is a problem when you have 2 boys like mine and a house to keep running.  Going up stairs makes it pound.  Getting up quickly makes me light headed.  Bending over makes it throb.  Stress (a constant here) makes it unbearable - but subsides when I can calm down.  It's just weird - and it really never goes away.  I don't sleep well, I am very irritable and overall I am a mess.  After the last session with the boy's therapist, Tom and I decided - at the urging of said Therapist - that I needed some rest to regather myself while the doctor tries to figure out what's going on.  My dad is coming to get the boys tomorrow and take them for a week to give us a break.  I was against it at first - they've never been away from us that long and I just feel so helpless and worthless as a mother.  To call someone and say - "I can't take care of my own kids anymore" is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I could barely talk through the sobs, but Tom kept helping me through the phone call and once it was over, there was a little bit of relief I suppose.  Tom has had the worst year of his career and is under incredible pressure from work, only to come home and have to pretty much take care of everything I was not able to do during the day - AND get dinner around and put the kids to bed.  He was doing all he could handle and still I was feeling resentful for him not being more helpful to me.  Not being more caring and considerate to me.  I really didn't care that he was doing all that he could do and that is just not like me.  My head is just not right - literally. 

I went in for a CT scan this morning - more blood work this afternoon since my white blood cells and platelets were still high at my last test to see if the last antibiotic did anything and now I'm waiting for the results.  If the scan doesn't show anything it's off to the neurologist and headache specialist this week.  I hate doctors and I just hope the CT shows something that we can start working on - I hate not having a clue - I hate being a guinea pig to yet another med that doesn't work.  I hate the pain and I just want my life back.  Summer is half over and I've spent most of it on my couch and in bed.  I hate bitching so much - but you sure wouldn't know it by my blog would ya? 

I hope all of you out in blog land are faring better than I and I hope to be back blogging soon about better things than me and my health problems.