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April 16 Nature's failureI still have tears for you - but they are fewer now.
The cruel words that brought them before - take longer to bring them now.
The trust I no longer have - I now fear will never resurface again.
The hope that does remain - is buried so very, very deep down inside of me.
The smiles that are now hard to show - are for only fleeting moments,
because I know the turmoil is just lurking around the corner...waiting.
Peace no longer resides in our home - it is a place of constant stress.
I don't want to be here anymore, a part of this chaos - but choices like that are too painful to make.
When do you say enough is enough - if ever - to your own son?
I feel I have failed at something that should be so natural - raising a child.
I feel like a bad Mother - and that is the greatest pain in the world.
My lost boyMy husband and I had to go and pick up my son from school this morning, once again, for another 3-day suspension for fighting. I am at such a loss as to what to do with him. I believe this is his 4th out-of-school suspension this school year - and to be honest, I've lost count of the number of in-school suspensions he's had. I thank God we were able to get him into the Children's Hospital Behavioral Health program about a month ago when he tried to hurt himself. I did not blog about that at the time I guess because I suppose I was just not ready to. Now, after feeling we are losing control at such an astonishing rate, I once again am turning to my blogging for the therapy I recognize I am much in need of myself. I feel I am losing my grip on everything. My child, my family, my life. I love my son and I never envisioned raising him or any child - would be this difficult. I never expected it to be easy, but I never expected it to bring me to my knees so many times - so early. He's only 12 years old and this crisis really started about a year ago. He's had problems for several years, but it got really bad in 5th grade and progressively worse from there. We've spent a ridiculous amount of money and time on Psychologists, Psychiatrists, therapists and medications. Tyler is not a stupid child - in fact he is too smart for his own good. He hates school because he is picked on because he is so small for his age - which is just genetics....he in fact will probably will be just as tall as his father is (6'6"), but the Kuhn boys don't get their height until later in high school. In the mean time, he has that little man syndrome where he uses his big mouth to make up for it - which gets him into BIG trouble. He also has no respect for ANYONE, doesn't feel he has to follow anyone's rules, constantly lies about anything and everything, hates school and has a considerable dislike for me and his little brother. Insulting me hurts like no other pain I have ever felt and even though I try not to show it, eventually it becomes too much. When he finally breaks me down and I let him see the pain he has caused, there is this unsettling twinkle in his eye, and I know that he has won. My husband came to me the other night and told me he was afraid he might hurt us. I was a little surprised at first and asked what he meant by it, even though I already knew. He said what I had thought myself - the thing that no parent ever wants to think of their own child - that he might hurt us - perhaps while we slept. It was the lowest I had ever been during my entire life. We take privelages away from Tyler when he misbehaves, and he sits and just stews and stews over it. The rage seems to just boil in him. He cannot except the consequences for his own actions. He needs so much help and I just don't think we are any longer capable of dealing with the demons that seem to have taken over my son. I honestly think he may need to go somewhere where there are professionals that can reach him. We are going to see his Psychiatrist with Children's today at 2pm and I am hoping they have some input that can give us some guidance. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am as lost as my son is at this point and he is only 12 - not even a teenager yet! What in the world is going on??? Not just with MY son but with so many kids these days??? There is an entire generation out there that is flailing....just watch the news! What is happening to our children???? April 13 Movies? Yep, he knows that one too.I have always had a terrible memory - as I've stated before, I think it's genetic - handed down from my Mom's side of the family. This is ESPECIALLY true, when it comes to names, which is something I hate. I started trying some techniques to try and remember people's names better, like repeating them after they are told to you. It's definately helped.
Anyhow, my husband has the memory of an elephant. We play a little game at home where I'll be watching a movie and he'll walk into the room and be able to name the movie with just a glance. I'll purposely find obscure movies I seriously doubt he's ever seen, and sure enough...he'll know it. *shaking head* It's down-right infuriating!!!  April 12 When are you going to make that next appointment????A gentler bitch compared to my past bitches ........ perhaps more of a gripe
The Target: Usually my well-meaning husband
The Setting: Anywhere I am - usually the couch - in pain from a migraine, my stomach or bladder. My Bitch: (Gripe:) I am sick and tired of the question...When are you going to make that appointment?! Observation(s): I'm going to add it to my freakin resume. Stay at home mom/Professional Dr. Appointment Maker/Goer/Medical Test Taker
The question: If I was sick all of the time and NEVER went to the doctor, I would understand. What he doesn't understand is, that I go to the doctor ALL of the time. Not just one doctor....several. (When I'm not going to MY doctors, I'm going to my kids doctors. I have a love/hate relationship with doctors.) Maybe my bitch/gripe should be aimed at the doctors who can't figure out what is wrong with me FASTER. I'm sick of going to the doctors, making appointments, paying them so much money, taking so many tests and so many medications with shitty side effects. I guess the question is....when is it better to just live with the damn pain???? OR, just treat the pain and forget about trying to figure out what the hell is causing it?!!! |
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