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February 20 The gloom of winter.....and I'm out at sea*sighs*...................it's a shroud sp.? of bleakness I'm enveloped in but I still have a weird energy in me to continue on......perhaps it's the calling of Spring that's keeping me going at this point......I'm not sure. Things went south big time in December right before Christmas. My husband's Uncle and name-sake passed away from a rare disease. He was a priest in the Navy and giving all that he had for his country and God, he died from a cruel disease and was buried on one damn cold and rainy day - it just didn't seem right. Then my husbands boss informed us our income would be cut by $400/mo. BUT hey - he'd still have a job....so Christmas was probably more like it should be this year - a LOT less for the boys....and the budget is incredibly tight now. In January my Uncle died from yet another rare cruel disease - PICKS - it's similar to Alzheimers but worse. Shortly after that, my step-mother was put into a psychiatric facility for severe depression and being suicidal. I can relate so much with her and my dad was so upset that I dropped everything and went up there to stay with him - it's about 3and half hours away. I can't say why, but one night was all I could handle. Around the beginning of February, both of my sons behavioral issues had became an issue once again. With the older one it began as soon as wrestling ended. ALL of his attention went back to the girlfriend and with an obsessive quality he's known for. With the younger one it's more probably a med issue, but the older one is definately going downhill quickly. 2 in-school suspensions this week for being disrespectful to a teacher on 2 seperate occasions. He had just been released from therapy and now it's back to the drawing board. Last week my great Aunt Evelyn died and my mom and I went to her funeral yesterday - it was more emotional for me than I had expected. She was 93 and had lived a very full life - but I guess seeing the photo presentation of her family which included her brother - my grandpa was what got me - that and of course all the memories that brought up of all the times my grandpa would take me over to visit with her when I lived with my grandparents. I was his side-kick and he was always running around visiting his family - not long visits - but very memorable for me. After the funeral my mom and I went to visit with my Great Aunt Evelyn's sister - Florence. My Great Aunt Florence has been in a nursing home for the past couple months and did not look well at all. She was in her mind - not bad for 95 but she was having a very hard time breathing and said she was uncomfortable but didn't want us to do anything for her - I so just wanted to adjust her neck pillow. She did allow me to give her a drink of water which she said tasted really good - but she didn't want anything to eat and I guess hadn't eaten much for the past month. Talking seemed to be progressively difficult for her and as the weather was getting worse after about a half hour visit - we left - we still wanted to go visit my Great Aunt Freida - my Grandma's sister before we left to head back to Columbus. By the time we were headed for home the roads were really bad and my mom's car is horrible in the snow - rear-wheel drive. After we crossed the snow belt we both had a sigh of relief and my mom asked me if I got the feeling my Aunt Florence had just wanted us to stay while she rested. I told her she seemed disappointed but I think she understood that the weather was getting worse. She said that she didn't think that she was going to make it much longer. My mother obviously sensed something I did not. She called early this morning and told me that Florence had died last night. I was shocked. My mother was very upset. I tried to console her with the fact that at least we had gotten to spend some time with her before she passed, but she feels guilty that she didn't stay longer. Florence was the last of her Father's family - they have all passed now and she is mourning that as well. Her phone call brought on tears that seemed to come from many heartaches this morning - but it was one of those healthy cries. Her funeral will probably be early next week and after that....I hope not to have any for a long time.....but as I type that it's in the back of my mind that so many in my and Tom's family are getting up there in age and death is inevitable. God....give me strength.....I'm going to need it.....as if I ever haven't. February 01 Giving out advice while sinking myselfI've been gone awhile - about 4 months - during which time I felt myself falling into a depression, but I guess it hasn't gotten so bad as to bring on the constant napping and the inability to get out of bed - so I am considering it still "dealable". If I don't shake it by April, I'll have to consider the possibility that the current anti-depressant I am on - which has worked so well for a couple of years now - may not be doing it anymore......and that would suck..............on so many levels. It's hard to wean off of ....... finding a new one that works can be hit and miss....... new ones are always more expensive AND it's just one more flippin' thing to deal with. I can be thankful for the constant barage of problems which have kept me busy which sounds ridicuous.....but I think it has kept my mind off all the things that are piling up in my "depression hold". Perhaps by the time the hold bursts....I'll be in a better state of mind to deal with it. The funny thing is.....I've been giving out advice on depression while fighting it off myself - and on some levels it makes sense....I've been there so long I have the experience....but on other levels.....it IS a mental health condition - perhaps I should leave the disease to the professionals. The mind is a complicated place.
In the past week I've had 2 different "end of the world" type nightmares and I guess on top of everything else it's weirded me out. My step-mom was recently hospitalized for being severely depressed and suicidal and one of her concerns was the end of the world and I guess with it having been something I had thought about prior......HER worrying about something that she has always expressed a longing for (she's a Jehovah's Witness)....it got me thinking......apparently too much. We are undoubtedly in very difficult times right now and being that it's been a pretty tough winter, I guess like Dr. Phil says, I shouldn't ask why I'm depressed.....I should ask why not? I do know this.....I miss my best friend Jenni. I knew her moving away was going to be hard for me, but I honestly thought I'd get through it as I had when others had drifted out of my life, but that's the difference I guess. She didn't drift. She left....(I know she had to)....and it's so far away - but most of all......I never had a friend like her before. Even now I can't think about her without tears coming.....it has prevented me from talking about her to anyone. I have only been able to call her and talk to her once and when she had to go suddenly I was so surprisingly hurt it shocked me. That was the end of July I believe. I called her to check in on her after the wildfires got close but she didn't call me back and I have not yet been able to bring myself to call her back again. I need to call her and we need to have a good long talk and I need to have a good long cry. I know she is going through a very difficult time herself and I think we are both avoiding the breakdown. We agreed we wouldn't do it before she left because of how far she had to drive cross-country with her family while they were going through a seperation - she told me she had to wait to have her breakdown until she was back in California with her family. Thing is.....I think I was waiting to have mine WITH her on the phone and haven't been able to do that yet......and I am just avoiding it. Therapy.....blogging.....it's why I do it. Been so busy and blue I haven't used it lately.....need to get back. I have missed seeing my blogging community and friends.....I appreciate the visits and the messages. Sorry about the hiatus.....and that the last post I left was political in nature....UGH!
 yay Steelers!
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