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Heidi's Touch StoneA place for me to record and remember - to touch the reality stone of life
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July 17 An update....Sorry about all the music postings....I've been so busy and listening to music was just about the only therapy I was getting the past couple weeks or so. *smiles* At the last minute - right after Tyler came home after spending about a week with his Aunt - we decided to spend the long 4th of July weekend up at the lake and it was a very nice, relaxing trip. Tom's sister had instituted a "mark" system with Tyler and it works wonders. We have also started using it with Quinton who is adjusting to it slowly....lol. Right after returning from the Lake, Stephen's baby sister....(many of you know Stephen from his Painting Studio here on Spaces) arrived here in Columbus with her family to start house hunting.....they will be moving here as soon as their house sells in Wisconsin.. Carrie and I have a ridiculous amount of things in common and I am really looking forward to her getting settled in here. She has 3 boys and they are all adorable...especially the baby - 7months old - ...OMG....he is just as cute and perfect as they come! Her oldest is incredibly responsible and helpful and has already proven he'd be a great influence on Tyler....if he can tolerate him!  Her middle one is a spit-fire and will give Quinton a run for his money - they will probably get along better as he gets older. He's a few years younger than Quinton. Anyhow, they had a chance to interact a couple days and I am excited for everyone to get together once they are settled. Hurry up and sell that home Carrie!!! LOL This weekend we're headed up to Tiffin - Tom's hometown - for a Kickball Party....lol. Tom's niece organized it all and it's between her mom's tanning salon and another family's flower shop/nursery. It should be a good time and I'm looking forward to it. The fear that Tyler will act up is no longer so overpowering and I have had him in enough situations to semi-trust him. Things are definitely getting better. There are still issues....but they feel more manageable. Tyler's Aunt has been taking him on Tuesday's for tutoring and then keeping him with her to help her around the house and just to do things with him one-on-one and just that one day a week gives me a little break that has made a huge difference too. She's going to Charleston next week, so next Tuesday....we're on our own . I think I'm going to see if my brother can take him and do something with him....even for just a couple hours. He really enjoys the time away himself. If not though, no big deal. Just wanted to let everyone know, that have left all of the encouraging comments ..... how things have been going. I have appreciated every word of advice and couldn't have made it through without you all! Thank-you. July 11 I wanna go home by Michael Buble....*sighs dreamily*
That Nanci is some lucky lady....... As if the eye-candy wasn't enough Sass.....here are the words.......LOL...... Another summer day
June 29 Current favorite is a "cover" of "NO AIR" by Rissi Palmer
YouTube - Rissi Palmer "No Air" If I should die before I wake
"No Air" originally was done by American Idol's, Jordin Sparks not very long ago and it was good, but being such a contemporary country fan.....I really liked this version. June 27 One of my favorites.....Josh Turner - Another Try
Back Online....and just in time.So much to catch you up on. It's been stormy here....literally and figuratively. My computer router needed to be replaced btw....it more than likely had been damaged by lightening - we've had some really intense storms around here lately. The sign for anyone else having the problem was my connection coming and going about every minute or less. VERY annoying.
 Fortunately I wasn't the only one wanting the connection fixed ASAP....Tom has a PS3 and it has to be updated via the internet in order for him to play his games.....so.....HE was very instramental in getting us backonline as soon as we were.  Since my last update about Tyler, a lot of drama has gone down. The night I went to say good-bye to my best friend who was moving to California.....I ended up staying longer than I had planned and Tom was upset with me.....and therefore I with him. If I had had the time, I would have posted a Bitch Board, but we discussed it later on, and I guess I sort of understand WHY he was upset....but it's flimsy.
When I arrived to say good-bye, some of the packing of the truck that had been completed the night before had been UNDONE and the progress I had thought would have been done throughout the day....wasn't. It was just a bigger job than they thought....and Russ....Jenni's husband....just wasn't doing his share of the work really. His office was packed up by Jenni and I and I can only imagine the exclamations as he's unpacking everything....LOL! I was as careful as I could be....but Jenni? She was a little pissed off. Anyhow....Tom had apparently been calling me on my cell phone and I had accidentally left it in my car and after he couldn't reach anyone on the house phone either....he got worried. When I finally discovered I didn't have my cell phone on me and went and got it I found all of his missed calls and called him back. He gave me much attitude even after I explained accidently leaving it in the car and basically knew if I didn't leave right then....I'd even more hell to pay. Jenni thought it was pretty ridiculous, as did I since it would probably be the last time to see her for who knows how long....since I really don't fly.I said a fairly quick good-bye as I promised myself I would - it was bad enough with tears....we didn't need sobbing and I drove away without looking back at my old friend or my old neighborhood. The days that followed were not good and even though I didn't dwell on Jenni being gone for real this time....I know it must have played it's part in how I dealt with things.
Saturday I slept alot and Tom and the boys spent most of the day together. Sunday there was yet another Family picnic for Tom's mom's birthday and I just really didn't have the energy to go....I just didn't want to deal with Tyler there, so Tom went by himself reluctantly. It was his first visit with his family since him and his Dad had their "religion" discussion....did I blog about that? Anyhow, it was uncomfortable for him, but it turned out ok. His father acted normally towards him. Monday was a very bad day. It started like many mornings do here....in utter chaos. Tyler had a 10AM doctor's appointment and from now on....NO MORE MORNING APPOINTMENTS. Trying to get the boys to cooperate before their meds kick in is virtually impossible. They are bouncing off the walls and constantly picking at each other. I think I am sliding into another depression so I am incredibly tired and admittedly short tempered - not to mention in excrutiating pain from a still undiagnosed stomach issue. It was a perfect storm for something to go wrong and it did. I called Tom and told him to come home....I couldn't take it anymore....I was leaving. By the time he got home 5 minutes later, I had half my bags packed. As he tried to figure out what had pushed me over the edge, I finished my packing and tried to explain it was nothing inpaticular....it was just the same old shit I live with everyday and I couldn't live with it ONE MORE MINUTE. During this time I had become slightly off-balance and at some point picked up a fan and threw it at Tyler. It thankfully missed him and unfortunately hit my Lab-Newf mix who looked at me in disbelief. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I told Tom that I had to leave before I hurt Tyler. I didn't think I was capable of the patience he required. Tom was trying to get me to settle down - to try and re-think my decision - to call someone, but all I could think about was getting far away from here. I finished putting my bags in the car and I picked up 2 of the dogs and put them into the car when my youngest's crying finally broke through the state I was in. I looked over at him and realized what I was doing. I came inside and sat down and agreed to wait until Tom's sister could get there. She arrived in 20 minutes and immediately began mediating. She has worked with childred for 30 years and took none of Tyler's attitude. She finished the schedule for him I had started but not finished and implemented the behavior chart and bonus point system we had created. She stayed for a little while and tutored him and when she left, I felt enough hope to stay. Tuesday I had a migraine and severe stomach issues and was in bed much of the day....the boys seemed to behave pretty well and I was impressed. Wednesday I could barely get out of bed and Tyler had 2 doctor's appointments. Therapist at 11:00AM and Pediatrician at 2:00PM I almost broke down into tears walking from the parking lot into the therapist's office building because I didn't think I was going to be able to make it I was so exhausted. Once in there the therapist noticed how bad I looked and suggested Tom come and pick us up, but I assured her I could make it home. Once home I had to sleep for the hour we had between appointments. Once at the pediatricians, I didn't have the energy to even discipline the boys when they acted up in the waiting room. When the Doctor asked if we were all living in the same household.....she was aware of Tyler's hospital stay as she was partly responsible for his admission......I responded, "Unfortunately". She had to tell the boys to settle down in the exam room and told me that I needed a break and visit to my Medical Doctor and Psychologist. She has reminded me that which so many have....if I'm not well....the family won't be able to get well. I know this is true and I know everyone means well. I just hate that pressure I guess. MY well-being is dependant on everybody else's well-being??? Does anybody know how sick I am?? This could take awhile! Migraines since I was 5, Depression for 12 years, probable endometriosis and something I have to see the gastroentronologist for. A cyst so large on my liver it's pushing up into my diaphragm. OH, and let's not forget the debilitating panic attacks!
 Yeah, it's going to be awhile before me and thus this family is feeling better. *sighs*After we got home from the Pediatrician's office I laid down on the couch and was pretty sure I wasn't getting up again. Quinton called Tom and raised the red flag which brought him running home again and that's what got the much needed phone call made to his sister again. He asked her to come take Tyler for a week to let us have a break. She took him yesterday, and it was exactly what we all needed. I immediately got some of my energy back. Mind you, I'm not celebrating the absence of my son.....but it's a much needed break. I was finally able to get some bills paid....with the little money I have right now. I actually was able to go visit with the mother of one of Quinton's friends yesterday afternoon and let her know what's been going on....which helps. She has vowed to help however she can with Quinton which included keeping him all day yesterday, last night, all day today and possible tonight again even! She's wonderful. I am going to go out and mow my "field" for that is basically what you'd call it at this point and that is actually another form of therapy for me. I am doing better - so hopefully the family's well-being is on it's way. Monday I'm headed to the doctor. Thank-you for all of your well-wishes and checking in on all of us. It means the world to me. So many caring people out there....it proves that there's still humanity in this scary world we live in and it provides faith for me and so many others who so desperately need it.
Thank-you
(((HUGS))) A favorite of mine.....Whiskey Lullaby
June 21 Sensing a change ahead....and a bumpy road
Since I can't get online right now.....but I am in serious need of something to get my mind off my troubles for awhile, and my blogging is great therapy for me - I decided to post some drafts I had written on Live Writer - but never posted. This one appears finished....so I'm not sure why I didn't post it....perhaps it was just a mood I was in. *rolling my eyes* lol. You have to agree with me that this feeling I had back then was right on. Things have definitely gone South....and at lightening speed. (Hey Sass....maybe I'm clairvoyant too! LOL) *********************************************************************************** Draft saved 11/12/07 I am starting to feel that things are about to head south here real soon. Tension is at a maximum and all around moods are pretty bad. This happened last year around this time too. Right before the holidays. I am not saying it's the cause, just pointing out what bad timing it is or that it's cyclical. Anyhow, things always seem to rebound, but I have this premonition that this time may be different. We're both so tired and fed up with living this way. I have contemplated making my blog private...thinking that I shouldn't let the whole world know about my problems, but I know others are out there in the same situation....and maybe I can help them....or get some information that is helpful. I get so tired of playing the "everything's peachy keen" game in the real world, and this is really the only place I can be "real". That's messed up. June 20 Tyler's home.....and the behavior continuesWe were told by Tyler's psychologist, that once upon a time, troubled kids were placed in the hospital for 6 weeks to clear out their systems and reconfigure their meds.....now it takes a couple days. I guess they must know what they're doing....but all I know is that in Tyler's case....I think he came out more troubled than when he went in. Besides chewing tobacco that he found in an air vent at the hospital that I caught him with - he has brought home some of the more disturbing characteristics of those with mental illness.....the making weird noises bit and the repeating everything I say thing. He brought the looney home from the bin.
 Much more of that stuff and I'm gonna need one of those nifty white suits that help you to hold yourself together when you can't do it by yourself anymore.........
Yesterday afternoon - after I brought Tyler home from the hospital.....(checked in at 11:30 PM Monday night - checked out at 11:30 AM Thursday)..... his great attitude lasted all of about an hour. Since then, he's back to his bad decisions. I do think he's more aware that he has a serious mental problem....after being removed from the bad situations he got himself into since he's been home....he becomes sincerely reflective about what happened and his part in it. I am trying to remain calm, cool and collected. It does help. After he threatened to kill his brother again yesterday, he only remembered part of what he had said.....and that is indeed disturbing. I am even more aware of the danger now and I would have to say it really doesn't make me feel 100 percent safe. We are alarming his door and windows and I guess that will help somewhat at night. Him having 2 sessions of therapy a week in our home is also hopefully going to help......it better......I'm not too keen on the idea of a stranger being in our home so much, but it is necessary.
 And today when Tom comes home from work.....I'm off to say good-bye to my best friend. The moving truck is loaded and they are headed for California tonight. I know she needs to go.....but I don't want her to. I know there will never be a good time for her to go....but right now is so hard. She's been such a help with Tyler since she works with these sort of kids everyday during the school year and she's known him since he was 2 years old. Her leaving is not good for anyone in our family. Tom and the boys said their good-bye's last night which was hard......and tonight....I'll say mine. I will keep it short.....she knows already how I feel. It's been a long week.....and I'm ready for it to be over......
And DAMMIT....my computer is still not working right!!!! My Internet connection comes and goes about every 3 minutes and it's really ticking me off! Chatting is ridiculous. I'm going to have to get this fixed!!!!!
I'm outta here.
June 18 The help he needs....that we ALL need.My 12 year old son is currently a patient at a Mental Health Facility. The road that has led us here has been a rough one to say the least. I am not going to be able to adequately describe the huge tangle of events that brought us to this point, but I can try to give a summary of it. I don't know if it's going to or not, but I write about this in hope that it can help some other family. I talk about this because I do not want my son's situation tobe misunderstood....I want to be able to help people understand mental illness. I do not want my son to be labeled crazy and I want him and other children and adults who are suffering with this problem to get the help they need. It's only crazy when you don't treat - that which can be. At this point in time, Tyler is having his medications adjusted under very close supervision and it's really the only safe way of doing so. He is not happy about it, but I think he understands why he is, where he is. So far, we know that part of Tyler's problems are indeed behavioral and that needs to be addressed, however, until we are dealing with a Tyler that is on the right medications, we can't. We have to be able to determine that which is behavioral and that which is something he can't help. Then we can treat that part of his problem with medications and THEN focus more on the behavioral aspects. This stay at the facility will get his meds corrected and sort out some things that have been driving me insane! I don't feel that I'm always dealing with the Tyler I used to know, and that has been a huge problem for me. My Tyler was not always this way and even though I may never know what caused these problem s- at least I will know who or what I AM dealing with now and hopefully find ways to help him which in turn will help everyone around him.
Until tomorrow.....
*Have to wrap things up for now....I am suffering from inadequate sleep and I must get some rest Please know even though I may not be able to get back with all of you who have left comments right now....I intend to and know that just your stop by has been greatly appreciated. It's one of the things that helps me get through that which I didn't think I could. .....so.....Thank-you.
June 15 No Happy Father's Day hereWe got home last night at midnight....which might tell you how the weekend away went. No need to worry about the big family picnic today....since we didn't even get that far before things went horribly wrong.. My son's behavior was so embarassing to my husband that at 9:30 last night, he told me to take my shower (I was dirty from working on the patio at his sisters) - he'd take his shower and then we were packing up and leaving for home. I barely got my hair dry before we were uncomfortably saying good-bye through tears....to everyone that was there and had just witnessed the things we have been dealing with every day for almost 6 months now. We are broken.....very very broken. I can't write anymore right now, I have lots of laundry to do, a lawn to mow, a dinner to get around and some sort of Father's Day gift to get around for Tom. I won't be able to make it up to my mom and step-fathers today to give him his card and gift and he's leaving town for 2 weeks tomorrow morning. I dare not call my dad to wish him a happy Father's day because then he'd ask about Tyler and I'd break down and ruin whatever day he was having....and his life is already too hard. Instead, I'll do what I can do today and just try and get through until tomorrow....like every other day in this nightmare. June 12 Doctor's visit....*sigh of relief*.....no matter how smallToday Tyler had an appointment with his Pediatrician , and as she's done so many times in the past, she's given us hope and help. She had to fill out forms for the initial evaluation the school is doing and therefore I had to bring her up to date on everything that has happened in the past couple of months - and it was a very hellish couple of months. We didn't get very far into the appointment when Quinton filled the doctor in on Tyler's latest interest....playing with fire. The doctor looked at me and asked if this was occurring and I told her yes, several times now. He has been throwing things at me, hitting me and has done things like pretending like he was going to spray household cleaner in my face when he gets really mad. He does hit and push his brother down and the way he talks and the things he says does scare me sometimes. When she asked if I was afraid he might hurt himself or someone else, I had to pause a moment, but eventually agreed that yes, I was. She asked if he ever cuts himself....I had seen marks on his arm, near his wrist, but he claimed that they were from the cat. I had to tell her that I had found several razor blades in his room that he claimed he was just using to cut paper....that he needed them to just cut paper very exactly for things he was making..... I told her that we were still on a waiting list to see a Psychiatrist or Psychologist within the Children's Hospital network where his therapist is now, but until we were able to get in there I really wanted to get him off of one of the medications he was currently taking. I am concerned that they may be exacerbating his condition. She didn't agree or disagree about the medication, but instead told me that she would make some phone calls to get him seen ASAP and was going to suggest he be admitted and have his meds adjusted as an in-patient. I was a little taken aback by that, but relieved at the same time. I don't know how many more days can be spent as we are spending them. This really isn't living for any of us. It's just existing and we're doing that barely. I am afraid of what each day will bring. I am aftaid that we have to go out of town this weekend and I don't know what to expect from him at my husband's sister and brother-in-laws house. It shouldn't be this way. He used to be afraid of acting out in front of other's, but not so anymore. On Sunday, my husband's whole family will be getting together for a picnic to celebrate Father's Day and Tom's mom's birthday and it's this day that concerns me the most. Instead of it being the laid back relaxing fun day it usually is....it will be me being on constant watch to hopefully diffuse any incident that may arise. Ahhh....I can't wait!!!!!!!!! June 10 Shouldn't of watched Dr. Phil todayToday's show made me light-headed, sick to my stomach, weak-kneed and made my scalp get that electrocuted feeling. It scared me because it hit way too close to home. It was about children who are capable of the unthinkable.....killing. My son has exhibited many of the characteristics of these children. He has impulse control problems, anger management problems and empathy problems - all major issues when linked together. He is only 12 and as he gets older, if we don't get a handle on this, we are going to be in some major trouble. He has threatened me and his brother in the past and at one time, I had wondered if he might be capable of hurting us, but the actual threats have really calmed down, but he still refers to what life will be like when we're dead. Mind you, I don't believe my child is evil, but I do believe he is not wired properly and we have not yet got the right combination of medications or the right type of therapy nailed down yet, but we had better and soon. We are doing all we can. We are being told by family members, school personnel, doctors, therapists and even law enforcement that we are doing the right things. The only thing that has been suggested that we CAN'T do is sell our house and move to another school district - that the one we are in is not the greatest - but with the housing market and our finances.....it's just not possible. I personally think it would help, but it's not the problem. I think we'd find that his behavior would be the same wherever we went. I truly hope that this IEP they're putting him on for this next school year will help with the educational aspect, but at home, we still have to find something that works because what we're doing now is not.
I titled this post "Shouldn't of watched Dr. Phil today", but in my heart I know I was meant to see it. Every once in awhile, my eyes have to be re-opened to the reality of what could be. Living with this sort of child, you start to just live day to day. Getting through this day is all you consider and you lose sight of the future ever-looming. I almost don't see a future for our family anymore like I used to. It's all so up in the air. Anyhow, today's show was a kick in the butt for me to get the lead out and start refocusing on the future and how we are going to get this turned around. Maybe I'll even ask Dr. Phil.......  June 08 Computer crashed....and took the internet with itI am convinced that without the web - I'd be lost. Just being without it for a few days I was going crazy. I couldn't check my e-mail, my blog, my checking account, pay bills, look up a recipe, find out how much a dog grooming table would cost on E-bay that my Mom wanted to buy for me, look up an address and directions for an appointment I had, send e-mails to the boys teachers to tell them thank-you for this year, find out what time the pool opened, find out who sang a song I heard on the radio and several other things. It's crazy how many things I use the internet for. The main computer that we ran the router through is still out of commision and until we get it fixed, we're running the connection directly through our laptops. That means when Tom's home, we have to "share" and since the boys are home because school is out and Tyler will be off his grounding (finally) in a few days....they'll be wanting to borrow my laptop as well. I'm very glad we instituted a computer, video game and TV limit for the summer time. Anyhow, that's where I've been....lord knows I've needed to vent a few times over the past couple days and not being able to was incredibly frustrating. June 04 For a good laugh and an AmenIf you haven't already read the article The Top 10 Social Networking Annoyances on MSN tech & gadgets....you should. It's right on funny and literally brought on an "Amen" as I finished it.
It's just a short post....about all I can manage right now..............sorry. My computer AND MSN is experiencing major glitches lately.....perhaps they're working on that "linking" thing......*wink*
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